your room smells of hookers.
And success
Dear male population: sorry for being such a dick tease but thanks for paying for my bar tab and drunk food
The Mets? Come back? That'd be like Nickelback writing a good song.
My mom's mothers day present consisted of a card, chocolate and the rose bush I threw up in as I was getting in last night. She loved it.
according to the woman who took my blood today, i have "party veins"
I can't make Walk of Shame Wednesdays a recurring theme.
Me and him were fist fighting in the back of the cab and I offered the driver a 100% tip to call him an asshole. I don't know why.
At 27 it's no longer called 'slutty', it's called having a healthy sex life...
Im breaking out the trunk vodka tonight, its been aged to perfection.
I see you met someone special
Glow Paint looked great for the Black Light Party last night, Tonight having a glow in the dark Pizza on my arm, not so much.
You were carrying a 6 ft lamp that we stole on your back yelling "OHANA MEANS FAMILY AND FAMILY MEANS NOBODY GETS LEFT BEHIND"
I am buying anal lube, an enema, and a bag of kit kats. What part of this is compelling the Walgreens woman to tell me to "be well".
I woke up to some strange woman rubbing peanut butter on my thighs
There's a random table in the kitchen...and it's not the kitchen table...we don't know where it came from
Just woke up to the cat unconscious on my stomach, his face between my tits, purring to bring down the walls. I'm endeared and horrified at the same time.
Randomize
