i miss you so much
i miss you too
oops, did i send that to you? i meant to send it to the money you owe me
Sign #1 this conference will suck: Ice breaker question, how many proud virgins do we have in the room, overwhelming response. Looks like I'm not getting laid this weekend.
I have glitter on my penis. Do you know anything about this?
She's NOT homeless...she graduated early.
I just found 17 dollars of saltine crackers in my room. confused incredibly. suprised not at all.
she was handing out condoms w/ her number on them...
Did I happen to mention where i left my keys when I drunk dialed you last night
The good thing about having holes in your nose from all the drugs you do is that you can't smell nasty things. Like puke.
That was the #1 scariest moment in my life. I have full trust in you, I let you bite my penis for god sake.
end of the world party next friday. virgin sacrifice. tell me you know someone whos still a virgin
there is a smiley face on my leg painted in blood
I'm pretty sure that's yours.
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
It does not feel like it was just this morning that I had a penis in multiple cavities of my body
Girl behind me in line at CVS was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan B soon she might be a mom and that if we couldn't tell she'd be a horrible mom
Its because she suspects I'm a frequent drug user, which I am, but I am going to make her feel like she is crazy for believing it.
Randomize
