I know right? mind you this is the same woman who told me when I was 12 that oral sex just meant talking dirty
i just found my sim card.....i hid it in my tylenol bottle....i guess to ensure i would find it mid-hangover
so when he was about to cum, he screamed his mother's name and continued to pray for forgiveness. wtf
Sad news: I might have to institute a "once-per-day" policy on getting trashed downtown. Sorry, reputation.
Sending me a thank you card for letting you fuck my sister was completely inappropriate
It'll be just me and my penis against the world.
Pitting the remainder of the bottle against my hangover. I'm expecting an all out cage match for my soul and wellbeing.
At least I remembered to wear a bra. I feel like that's a big accomplishment right now
I have an epic ass bruise from a wheel tonight and I am drunk now because I decided vodka heals all wounds.
We were kinda loud so his roommate woke up and to make up for it he invited him to a threesome. I can't drink whiskey anymore.
party devolved into two exes battling with Cal's tiki torches, and the lawn being set on fire kinda sorta and then we all hula'ed... hulaed?
Well just give me the address, I'll bring the bourbon. If they let that into mental institutions
Remember the time you puked your contact lens out?
You have to commit to sexting. You can't just quit right after I send you pictures of my asshole.
Seriously, come on.
I feel like there's a picture of my ass on the internet right now.
I hate you.
I CAN'T FALL IN LOVE WITH SOMEONE WHO HAS A LISP. I JUST CAN'T.
Randomize
