she said i have a nice penis, i told her only bob saget and god could judge that.
Is it weird if i grunt like Tim Taylor when im having sex AND grilling steaks??
So his roomate was eating breakfast when I was sneaking out. He's the guy I took home from jessicas wedding. I ended up eating coco puffs with him
Just another sign I need to get out of this town
fyi, if youre wondering if offering a female police officer sexual favors will get you out of a ticket, the answer is no.
In the middle of switching positions, we shared a line of coke. It's was like a modern-day 'Lady and the Tramp.'
His fridge was full of blocks of pepperjack cheese, and his pantry was stocked with huge jars of jellybeans. Even if I'd been drunk, I don't think I could've made that up.
I told him the truth. Truth leads to vodka. Vodka leads to tequila. Tequila leads to prison.
Now one day I will be able to tell my children how a drag queen in a gay bar told mommy that bin laden was dead
You're cordially invited to the love nest for alcoholic and aquatic adventures. Also known as an all expense paid trip to my pool, alcohol, and vagina.
Thinking about adopting a 16 yr old here. Her name is Abby and she likes vodka. We've bonded. I need a sober driver n e ways...
We're not in high school anymore. I'm not going to pretend to be impressed as he butchers my favorite songs on his guitar. I just wanted to get laid.
Dude he's the best wing man ever. He starts creepin' on a woman, and she clings on to you out of fear.
im tired of her bring homeless men home when shes drunk. THEY ARE NOT FUCKING PETS!!!!
I legit had a 15 minute convo about dinosaurs with a guy at the bar last night cuz he was wearing a jurassic park shirt
He told me I smelled like fruit loops and then bit me on the tit
Randomize
