Is this going to be a big send off or a somber occasion? Just need to know if I should start drinking on the train or not.
I just came to the conclusion that the most depressing part of my day is when I have to put clothes on.
We just got home. I got some malt liqour and a lottery ticket so I'm really doing a lot with my life right now
End of the semester and I banged 14 freshman. I'm like my own welcome to college orientation guide.
what made it akward was his girlfriends dog watching us have sex
Most fantastic sex ever until her Doberman took an interest in what we were doing. There was nothing more terrifying then feeling warm dog breath on my ballsack.
plan d- we get drunk, go see that Justin Bieber movie and freak out 13 year old girls.
I found your knife. It was stuck in my bedroom ceiling.
Shit, my parents are coming over and I just realized that a grinder is not an acceptable paperweight
I knew when her mom came in spraying me with Febreeze telling me I smelled like shame it was going to be a rough day.
He said "I can't wait for you to feel me inside of you so I can tell you gently that you're mine" and left me a 4 minute voice mail of him crying after I told him I didn't want to be with him. 30 year olds are off limits.
Just blowing bubbles with my nipple rings in my shower.
You always make things weird.
Happy birthday, you long dick monster
Tequila Tuesday.. tonight is the night I defeat the liquor.
I have class at 8:30 and I am not bailing you out of the drunk tank again.
Your actions as of last night have earned you over thirty new nicknames.
Randomize
