You drink too much
No, I drink just the right amount - too often.
My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
make sure you eat your skittles last so when you barf you can barf RAINBOWS.
I'm glad you enjoy my eating disorder so much.
the only muscles i have these days is kegels
Hey. Whatever time u wake up let me know Ur alive. I need my vegas partner... I don't think they let u take corpses on a plane.
He wore my sunglasses on his honeymoon..... so there's that.
I managed to make myself a bowl of apple jacks, took one bite and had to stop eating them because they were making my brain wiggle. How was your comedown?
Can I come over? I respect you, but I want disrespectful things to happen
This is what we do on Thursday nights. Spray tans, blunts and drawing pictures of cats.
He's ninety percent amazing leader, brother, and teacher, and ten percent unforgivable douche. These are the men I look up to in my life.
im glad im back to a point in my life where i have enough sex to sometimes be offered and be like naw im good.
coughing up blood. I'm leaving for the doctor now. P.S. I just won $350 on the wheel of fortune machine in the casino.
I tried to feed the cat bread. I told her it was the body of Christ. That seemed to work.
You don't have a cat...
In all the years we have had drunk sex, have we ever done it in a bed?
If I look at him, he starts sobbing. Please come get him; he's scaring the cats.
Randomize
