So can we just skip dinner and I'll just pay you for a blowjob?
Don't tempt me, I need beer money.
I was talking to this girl who was in love with the air force. I was doing decently until I mentioned that the navy actually has more planes. Cockblocked by my knowledge of random trivia again.
gave you a haircut while you slept. Please don't kill me.
Beer coozy in the gym. Don't judge me.
YOU WOULD BE SEEING ME. IN MY KITCHEN. BENDING OVER MY OVEN. MAKING YOU CAKE.
Wait, that's an option?
Today's goal is to get out of bed, before I take a shit. This might be hard
Pass or fail tho
Yep if he's taking selfies he's probably on drugs again.
My vagina needs her own mother sometimes.
Fun times on public transportation. I just had a guy imply that I was racist cause I didn't want to talk to him when I was clearly reading my book and he was clearly on coke.
I'm so hungover I just peed on my hand and left it, didn't wash... Killin it in 2915
Tune in tm morning for how to buy Plan B in a foreign country while coming down off ecstasy
SOS... STANDING IN THE BAR NEXT TO MY BF AND THE GUY WHO I HOOKED UP WITH ON CHRISTMAS DAY..
They forgot my ranch. They're dead to me.
I feel like hooking up with you on my floor, sneaking out my window and jumping a fence is an effort that deserves a happy birthday.
How did I end up in some random dudes car?
Some guy came up to you and asked if you knew how to drive stick.
Randomize
