her last google searches are 'cheap african safari' and 'what does lion taste like'
It's gonna be pretty hard to find a homeless person that takes crackers as currency.
She was either really drunk or really not interested. Everytime I tried to ask her about herself she would respond with a line from Stepbrothers.
We are winners. And by winners I mean home wrecking sluts
Isn't that what our 20s r for?? Testing the strength of other people's shitty relationships?
If I get to the point of singing Man of Constant Sorrow then please god let me do it, record it, then cut me off.
Someone had written "Boxmonsterette" on the bathroom wall and I just knew you'd been here.
Looking back on this weekend, I'm most grateful I never brought up with word "toe-fucking" at the bachelorette party.
I smell like hot dogs and captain morgan it's 11:20 am what is my life
So I'm pretty sure I told every one at the party that "I'm going to fuck my pillow pets tonight?"
I was a little curious what "unspeakable" things he could possibly do to my feet
I can't help you right now because I'm shaving my feet...like a lady.
You were making out w/ur brothers coach against a door when someone opened it and you both fell through... Then you continued to make out on the ground
somehow I wound up on the floor crying about his beard. then telling everyone I'd give him a "lesbian blowjob".
If you find out what that means, show me.
look, bitch. one day when everyone i care about deserts me for my severe moral depravity, you're going to be the only one i have.
i can't wait.
I was taking a nap and she comes in wo/ pants, gets up on the bed and mounts my face while watching Weeds on Netflix. I'm okay with it, but at least let me wake up first.
Randomize
