I really hope you get sexually violated by a pterodactyl tonight.
I love the "adulterer" look on you. It's hot.
Its part of my fall instant classic line.
So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
she left out the fact that she had a kid until she told me not to suck on her tits too hard or milk would come out.
She greeted me with a new giants jersey and an opening day blowjob. this is true love.
I was freaked out. No man over 50 is allowed to touch me. Ever. Unless you're Michael Bolton. Then please do.
Do you know how hard it is to maintain a conversation with someone who just told you they put their cat in the fridge on purpose?
I feel strange, like something is off with my body
Yeah that's called sobering up, we've been drunk for the past 4 days
Two people confessed their love to me last night. Drunk is a good color on me
You were so drunk last night you left the bar to go buy a razor so you could go home with him
Seriously, she had fingers that made me thank a god I don't even believe in that I'm gay.
He held the kayak still so I wouldn't tip over while projectile vomiting. If that ain't true love, I don't know what is...
All I remember is grabbing a random guys dick at the bar and him just saying thank you and us taking a shot together
I think were only still together so we can make each other miserable
I can see. My condolences to your vagina.
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