speaking of unleashing monsters, we need to get condoms
And if you don't call me, I will embarrass you publicly with a can of spray cheez.
my life trainwreck boards at 9:30
she moaned out jack bauer's name while i was banging her...
I will now attempt to shave my public hair into a Christmas tree.
i seriously have like 9 pictures of people taking shots out of a vag on my camera....
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
It took me fifteen minutes to go from puking on my doorstep infront of my old lady neighbor to legit presentable person able to care for children. Bronzing powder and I deserve an award.
lonely sunday drunk me decided to tweeze my pubes. HORRIBLE IDEA
Reasonably certain my seventh grade teacher is encouraging me to drop acid on twitter
What do you mean? Just eat his food and have sex with him. Unless you want a relationship, then just eat his food.
Quick I need a sexy way to say "suck your balls"
I'm a hopeless romantic with the sex drive of a married politician. IM DOOMED.
I've never had to say don't judge me for chip clips in the shower before
I don’t have enough daddy issues for this shit, make him go away
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