I've been reduced to Capt. Morgan and Golden Girls reruns. Ugh.
Im drinking a beer thats called vuuve which is boobs in begian. I think my life is complete.
if socks could get pregnant i would have catholic amounts of kids
after the first, "yea you like that baby", i quickly remembered why i had stopped having sex with him.
I woke up wearing just my underwear and a headlamp at a different house than I remember passing out at. I told you irish car bombs are not made with an entire guinness.
Apparently Sundays are the worst days for your friends to get their head split open and need stitches...there's only 1 doctor on duty
I think hes settled down now. He's just licking the walls and the windows.
Just had a flash back. Pretty sure i ate toilet paper last night.
Also, we should really buy some bandaids. Right now I'm using toilet paper and scotch tape, but I don't really think that's sanitary.
Ask him about a girl named Meg then give a disappointed and disapproving face.
Her eyebrows were plucked so thin that she had to have gonorrhea. Clean girls just don't pluck that way
i've created a new STD.
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
I was so high the sounds of a cricket drove me out of my home at 4am.... Boo that fucking cricket
He brought me flowers and then spanked me with a Doctor Who paddle. Pretty good night, as these things go.
Awwwwwww!
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