If I would have known that wiping my dick on her pillow would have caused her to leave........
You were so drunk you tried to sell your salsa to everyone on the restaurant.
Just bought a pack of cigs...gas station guy informed me i took off my underwear and tried to pop a squat by the milk last night...
"Hung over, tired and having a faint scent of some body butter and random pieces of glitter from a girl named gigi, almost arrested in drug bust, $40 Canadian in my pocket and all i got was this lousy Tshirt" shirts dont exist, but they need to
Shut up. It sucks being the ugly friend, I would know, but someones gotta play the role
Nobody has seen her in 3 days. Should we call the cops or hope this is just another drunk Carmen San Diego game she's playing?
So I went to daintily fall onto my bed like I was in a hotel commercial and I completely missed my matress and landed on my floor. Just thought u should know.
Nothing like banging your nurse in the shower while staying in the hospital
Aside from the possibility of pregnancy, I'm going to call last night a raging success.
Why do I like him? He literally has no redeeming qualities.
We fucked while The Odyssey played in the background. Homer would be proud.
I have a few Facebook friends I only keep around for quality control purposes on Tinder
i don't know what happened one minute im stumbling home drunk and the next im drinking pabst and smoking with a french guy ive never met named hugo.
i've got three words. i. was. spanked.
Crazy homeless man drinking beer out of a vitamin water container on the bus just set me up on a date with the yuppie next to him
Randomize
