That's why you don't touch shit after fingering somebone
We have a vodka soaked ShamWow with your name on it.
I haven't shaved so I have to behave myself. I'm going to do this from now on.
When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".
it was like a zeppelin in a condom
I'd like to bring you 40 virgins and treasure chests of gold to make you feel better
Just paid off my possession ticket on 4/20. Helloooo awesome.
i want to go make food but i'll have to face my mom after telling her that the random i'm sleeping with, whose name i don't know, told me I was "too slutty to be his girlfriend" when i was drunk last night
I was able to hide the fact that I had just shit in my pants, and then wupped her ass at FIFA
I shaved last nite, you should see my cock it looks like a beautiful skyscraper
so my pro life roomate found a used condom wrapped up in her sheets with your panties. never letting you have sex in her bed again
Note to self don't stop having sex during an earthquake! I call it a 6.1 orgasm!
You bring me burritos. Of course I text you during sex
Her handjob consisted of slapping me in the balls. I am never hooking up with her ever again ever.
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