I knocked on some strangers door, you didn't have to give me a fake hotel room number
Then we managed to set a grill and all 24lbs of meat on it on fire. I didn't help because I was filled with alcohol and extra flammable.
Why am I in a dog kennel?
It was for your own safety
I don't know, I don't really wanna ask the question, "Mom why am I not circumcised?"
I jerked off enough times today to safely commit to the fact that im not getting laid tonight
He held me the entire night. Not endearing kind of way. Like kidnapping or held hostage kind of way.
She said I came to for a minute, shouted IHOP!! and then shook my head and said no before passing out again
Why is there a water bottle full of red wine on my desk this morning?
See you tonight.
You know what the worst feeling in the world is? Sitting in your 6pm AA meeting still hungover from the night before
Great. I will show up in your office wearing only oven mitts later today.
So I woke up alone in the hotel room clutching a bible to my chest. Explain, please.
Do you think the police would frown on me opening a psych drug pharmacy on the side? Just to dispose of my drugs without polluting the water supply! It is for the animals!
Why is there cereal literally EVERYWHERE?
It didn't follow directions.
that awkward moment when you use blowjob jokes as a segue into coming out as bi
Don't come back. They don't have pants.
Oh god.
God has nothing to do with this.
Randomize
