Cold hands, warm shart.
got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
The only pictures he has from one of the biggest football weekends is an album titled "I miss my dog" filled with tons of pictures of his dog and him. This relationship must end.
This creepy guy was following me and i hid in the bushes. i could say i was high as an excuse but honestly it was straight up fun.
Okay now that I've been wanting to eat these hot cheetos in the bathroom, I know it's time I need to stop smoking and go to sleep.
Rumble strips road head = magical
my friend thinks you're hot & wants to fuck you ps i'm my friend
You can wear anything you want
So... Naked it is then
There is nothing worse than the batteries of your vibrator dying on valentines day
I wanna get a tattoo next to my tattoo that says, my ex did this so don't fucking ask
Have you ever eaten pizza and gotten your dick sucked at the same time? Because I have pizza.
He asked if I had any questions. Apparently, "how thick is the stick up your ass" was not a correct question.
Aww his grandma died? That's sad! No mourning sex!!! That doesn't lead to good things!
I figured it out! There's blood on the kitchen floor because I fell into the dishwasher. And there's a face dent. And it doesn't work.
Yea.....I saw that happen.
Randomize
