Girl just texted me a pic of her boobs with the caption "don't think I'm a whore"
beer for lunch on the first day back to school.... too soon?
my grandma just put on bowling shoes, to play wii bowling.
Sorry my moustache came off because I was face first in a layered bucket full of jello shots.
Im so tired of dysfunctional exs fucking up my relationships with future dysfunctional exs
What am I doing with my life
Sleeping with dudes who have peacocks apparently.
Girls at BYU need to learn how to handle a penis. I swear my date last night was trying to pull it off my body to use later.
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
walked into my roommates bathroom to her throwing up a quesadilla while singing come on skinny taco
I'm out of prison. Wanna start a band?
I would go a lot of places to get laid. But I would NOT go to Staten Island.
do you think eating a burger while having sex counts as multitasking skills?
My brother is chasing tequila with vodka. Not sure how it will turn out, but I like his style.
I'm crying watching Rihanna at the VMAs. Periods are a bitch
I dunno that I'd be trusting enough of junkyard tequila to drink it.
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