420 ftw
She's mad at me cuz I told her having a fuck buddy was too much commitment.
I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
he even offered to make my bed in the morning.
My night sucks. It's really hard to masturbate with a broken finger.
Woke up with a raging boner...good feeling abt this trial
No he exists. Who else tells me no matter how drunk I am to pull out. He's watching over me so my bastard doesn't get created.
Nothing says I'll be 22 tomorrow like washing the vomit out of your hair at 4pm
Don't feel sorry for me. I'm getting Red Lobster and sex tonight. Nothing can bring me too far down.
Wait do we still get bagels if no one got laid
I know it doesn't seem right, but sometimes, bagels are just flat out called for.
You were spooning an empty magnum of white wine in the middle of the bed so I slept on the couch
Well at least there's no more confusion about your place in my life. Wine > pizza > your dick > the rest of you.
Love you...
Molly was fun. I was in a captain planet onesie in Wal-Mart talking to everyone haha
I just want him to get into an accident where he's horribly disfigured but otherwise fine so he's not so freaking handsome
Imma go take shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
I'm intrigued by how his mouth tasted the same as his dick.
Randomize
