Yeah..And after he fingered me, he wiped it on my face and laughed.
ew wtf
Went to mcdonalds... Wishing I could throw up the last 20 hours of my life.
I don't think its a good idea if I moon a whole bar again
Sometimes i look at the biltmore estate and wonder just how small George Vanderbilt's penis was...
Disney World has no open container laws. Ohmygod this place is even cooler than it was when I was ten.
I feel like we're taking advantage of the fact that our R.A has cerebal palsey.
She is a social worker. An actual good person trying to save the world. I feel like every time I give her an orgasm God wipes a little smudge off of my shit list.
sometimes i feel like my only option in life is to be drunk or be a cat. today i am drunk
Just had a 40 min argument about how many celebrity guest appearances on Sesame Street were court ordered for DUIs.
I HAVE A BLACK EYE FROM A DILDO!! IM GETTING MARRIED TOMORROW! THIS IS NOT A MISSUNDERSTANDING!
I asked if he wanted to sext and he just started sending me pictures of his beard.
I'm not pregnant. Security came before he could.
He called us the '3 Amigos' and told us if hos ex wife came we had to jump the porch railing and hide in the bushes.
Jager makes that raccoon appear... The one that shits in a basket in my living room.
All I remember is while we were making out M.A.A.D City came on so I pushed him off of me so I could rap along.
Randomize
