i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
It didn't go so well. He got drunk and asked my dad if 'front or back' virginity mattered more.
You insisted I take photos of you vomiting off the top of the tree.
i think the penis that was inside of me changed my life
You okay?
I walked into work with a banana and a loaf of bread
Just to be clear, the only reason you're allowed to scream "COCKTAIL SERVANT" at bartenders is because you have nice tits
I also got a mission for you and you're gonna love it. Biggest. Hospital. Party. Ever.
They're playing house music in my dentists office again, wtf is wrong with these people. That's not the music you want to get a root canal to
Where are you in relation to the mariatchi band?
Tonight we learned that just because we can fit a Tic Tac in the tip of my penis that does not mean we should.
My roommate told me he found me naked in the shower puking and when he asked why I was naked I said "you can't wear clothes in a shower"
Have you ever looked at someone and thought…oh honey, you're too pretty for an ankle monitor
You fell asleep while I was sucking your dick
If I look at him, he starts sobbing. Please come get him; he's scaring the cats.
St. Patty's shenanigans tmrw? I wanna meet dudes lol. Why stop at coronavirus when you can get the clap, too?
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