Last night is one of those stories you hear about on 20/20 right after they make a law banning 90% if what I did.
I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
dude i just saw a topless girl trying to get into her locked car. im moving here
I mean come on, he's the best quarterback in the state and doesn't even know how to put on condom
i caught the condom in my mouth.. dont ask me how
He thought the strainer was a giant bowl to puke in.
He only talks to me during the summer and it's probably because I let him fuck me in my pool last year.
I'm in a hotel full of Marines. I'm leaving here pregnant.
I'm not really made for random hookups.. i'm like a swan.. i don't wanna have random swan sex. i just wanna have one swan hubby and fly around the world together and eat bread that people throw at us..
It's really not cool dreaming about going into labor with your ex boyfriends love child as you're sleeping next to him.
I only get hit on by people going through their midlife crisis. Yes, I did purposely write that gender neutral.
Was it you that ate my bacon or do I have to rip my roommate's face off?
There are peanut butter donuts now. We are playing with forces we can't possibly understand.
I have to choose between charging my phone or my vibrator. This is bullshit.
Omfg I just White Claw shamed a Girl Scout Cookie mom and I feel SO BAD.
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