There's a dildo in the cheerios box here...
Thinking about bringing a vibrator to the tanning bed...kill two birds with one stone right?
I forgot it was 4/20. that COMPLETELY explains the 7/11. i was like "that's a lot of white dudes... and they're really into snacking."
Fuck now we have to have sex
What?
In a bet, need to win
His car is carseat is compatible. I checked while we were banging in the back seat...
I blacked out, started puking and peed on the guy I was hooking up with. Mid hand job.
How old are you? 14? Who gives hand jobs anymore?
Salt in an open wound right now.
Suuuuuuper drunk and just sang fuck her gently to the chiminea. I'm in bad shape.
I feel like this is the moment of high where you have to write these texts down to remember to text them and feel that somehow this is important to the continuity of the world.
Sometimes I really think that if... When your stoned you have a catlike ability to just relax in any position
I woke up to find a bottle of Bacardi in my shower rack. How was your night?
I just cut open the plastic package of a Plan B pill using the bottle opener I carry in my purse. #whyidrink
i almost threw up on his dick. its like icarus, flew too close to the sun. except the sun is his dick and my throat was icarus
At one point of the night i was standing at the bar and 3 of them had their hands down my pants, they were like thumb wrestling for it.
I woke up and found my apartment really clean, appearantly drunk me couldn't tolerate living there anymore and left sober me a lot of insulting post-its...
She's chasing the cat around the house hitting it with a cardboard sword yelling "there can be only one!"
Randomize
