Just showed mom and dad the pics from San Francisco, while i played the Full House theme song in the background.
she's into porn, im staying here tonight
herpes texted me again. he says he wants my vagina.
ok we should really consider changing this guys nickname...
I think it might be brain cancer. Hangovers can't be this bad
I feel like my vagina stays drunk longer than the rest of me. It's always super sensitive and hungry the day after drinking.
There are 3 guys sitting in the elevator in lawn chairs wearing sunglasses and holding beers. the hallway rugs are stuffed in a trash can. i've never been so glad to be sober.
You have plans tonight?
Stress crying into a bottle of long island ice tea mix...other than that nope
Seriously can I go through one convo where masturbating doesn't come up
When I say "is it a bad idea to do Mollie before an 8hr shift tomorrow?" I dont want to hear the truth I want to hear you encouraging my bad decisions
Colombian exchange intern from my Mom's friend's ranch loves me, and is staying the night because we got each other drunk. Successful Christmas? I think yes.
She said she is going to be sex-slave version of Princess Leia for halloween. You think there is any way I could pull off an attractive Jabba suit?
She's still here. My penis can feel it.
Dude, I think she left with some dude like an hour ago
FOUND HER. I swear this thing is like a metal-detector
Maid of honor screwed up the joke so I just got to explain what a strap on is and why a married lady might want one to Grandma and my brother's wedding shower.
On a scale of 1 to alcoholic in withdrawal how ready will you be to start drinking as soon as you arrive on campus?
Kyle passed out in the tub after breaking a glass and shouting, "WHAT ASSHOLE GAVE ME A GLASS?" His girlfriend gave it to him...
Randomize
