hey, can i borrow that thing you never use?
what?
your penis
doctor said mango vodka does not count as my daily servings of fruit. damn.
Maybe he just has a boisterous penis
You need to get here now. A drunk girl just stumbled into our apartment. shes laying on the floor by our door.
woke up to an overdrawn credit card. did you order the dawsons creek boxset last night?
i hope so.
A letter to the campus apologizing for being sucha cunt with a picture of her head on it. All posted around campus.
Fair warning: We've transformed the living room into a giant tent.
3 things. 1) we need alcohol 2) we need alcohol 3) we need tortilla chips. Let's make a plan. Bro shakes and salsa.
You did this to me with your delicious pizza and moonshine.
I'll forgive you once we're drunk again by noon.
You did it first. I was merely expressing my support for you, by pressing my testicles against a window.
She has this wild look other eyes like she wouldn't be afraid to commit a felony.
When someone's woman crush wednesday is an ultrasound of her unborn daughter...
I can't
This chick just walked by and pet my beard. Don't know, never talked to her. She just walked by and pet my beard.
Marry her
i regret nothing
brb throwing up in the dishwasher
i regret everything
GIIIIRL I AM STONED AF AND I HAVE A HOMEMADE POT PIE IN THE OVEN THIS PARTY IS LIT.
Randomize
