he convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. he slurred every word. i think i found my prince charming.
Well we didn't hook up. Maybe from his girlfriend's point of view, but not mine.
I woke up to her staring at me in a corner moaning over and over again about how good the pie crust tasted
If you fuck her, Im going to call you and I want you to cough 2 times.
All is not lost. The bondage chair came with repair seals and glue. It's like the knewwwwwww this would happen.
I like to think of it as a lesbian feast.
Oh my Christ. I just came so hard my penis stood back up and took a bow afterwards. I need Thai food.
What wine did you feed Jack? Might not want to waste the good stuff on kitties. Kitties only get box wine.
I offered to lick your vagina while wearing a suit... Pretty sure chivalry is well alive.
I feel like weed makes my smarter. I'm watching the stocks and the way I understand if, do not invest in Yahoo right now because they are not fit for that.
guy next to me on the train just pulled out two bottles of gin and a block of cheddar. is slowly making his way through all of them.
Lock the bathroom door next time you are going to masterbate with the shower head, okay?
I was just power-washing my vagina.
I would wear his ballsack as a hat if he asked me to
You can’t judge a dick by its balls.
His dick smelled like strawberries...it was awesome.
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