Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
I haven't even gone in yet. I'm sitting in the waiting room playing a game i like to call "Who else is here for AA".
He kept saying it was because he was allergic to the chicken. Then he threw up on my mom.
Should I be alarmed that you're a regular enough at a bar to show up in sweatpants?
If shame burned calories, I'll be back to my birth weight by the end of this weekend.
The last text I sent him was about nachos. Frankly, if he can't respond positively to that he can fuck off...
Dude, I need a lifestyle change. I'm to old to be making out with chicks in foam parties, letting older chicks get all excited because I let them put their hands up my shirt, and running around doing scavenger hunts with 18 yr old chicks.
Dan I was a mess I made out with a 40 yr old who gave me a wad of cash for Christmas. Like wtf
Caleb has a beard comb now. Also I have a pube comb now too. May or may not be related incidents
i woke up soaking wet with shard of glass imbedded in my flesh dangerously close to my dick what happend?!!
BEER BOTTLE SWORD FIGHTHING!!
I've had to do a couple req orders today and I would like to submit to you an order form to requisition DAT ASS
How about to stay friends we only have sex on our birthdays. Maybe national holidays too. And days we get really drunk. Wanna get really drunk?
she was puking nonstop out of the car window in the rain during our hour long drive back, we got lot of honks
do you know of a way I can die but like NOT die? like not being unconcious, just ascending to an astral plane for a few weeks or months in real world time so i can sort my issues out away from the rigors of life kinda deal, you know?
Don't drag this out. All I need to know is if I have to put pants on or not.
Randomize
