Earlier, I saw a homeless man that looked like Abe Lincoln, and I just saw a guy walk past wearing crocs and socks. I'm beginning to like this city less and less
my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
pretend to be my girlfriend and sign me up for tool academy
you know that hot chick that stutters? talk about an awkward orgasm
I'm on the bus and the homeless person in the seat to my left is jacking off to a cartoon picture he found. He's now cleaning up with mitten I dropped.
Just found 2 diff. colored pubes in my underwear..new record.
For his 21st I'm getting a fancy hotel that way he can at least sleep in a nice bathtub
I actually don't know if I can stand up. I just know better than to try
Alright dude i'm gonna go to go sleep off this soberness. my life is a cosmic joke
I have a cat, a bottle of wine, and a Brazilian man. I need to catch you up on my life
soo...what's the appropriate way to ask to come over and take your S&M lingerie out of your ex's apartment? big weekend planned, kinda need it.
Woke up to a note written on my hand that read "just because he kisses you, doesn't mean you have to sleep with him"
next time, write it on your vagina so its more effective.
I woke up the other day with my Google browser open to "DIY lip injections"... I also just received a vial of hyaluronic acid and a package of TB syringes from amazon. I'm down.
I will have no part of this.
Anyway. I unfriended all of these people like a grown up and I am never talking to them again
It was rocky mountain showdown of course we got shitfaced and talked about eating buffaloes
Randomize
