Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
So, I'm pretty sure I just jacked off and my gf 17 m/o son caught me. IDK how long he was standing in the crib, but he definately saw the grand finale.
Classy? Dude, she fucked 3 guys as part of a scavenger hunt
And?
Come here. I'm drunk. Family Function. Intense Pro-life vs. Pro-choice debate. Bring Republicans.
my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
I almost got runover on the sidewalk by a car but wen it got closer it was a crackhead walking with the whole front of a car... bumper, lights and all... I love New York.
nothing says "we're all in this together" like the herpes she passed around to our entire group of friends
Shrimp lo Mein doused in green apple Smirnoff is a rare delicacy only a few get to experience..guess I should consider myself lucky
Kurt said to text you and encourage you to come out tonight. Encourage you with my rack.
An image of us stuck like that like Pompeii comes to mind. A wonder for future anthropologists
Her delivery came. She's ordered a pack of 144 condoms.
60% of the guys I've slept with are on my holiday greeting card mailing list. I'm an amazing ex lover.
Hey, what's a nice way of saying "Why'd you send me a picture of your boobs last night" without seeming ungrateful?
i left you alone for two hours TWO HOURS & when i got back i had to rush you to the hospital because you were covered in Smooth Away pads & drinking the bong water..
look im sitting on my bathroom floor in my underwear snorting cocaine can we talk about this later
Randomize
