He asked me if I "almost moaned"
Girls are like M&M's, once the lights go out you can't tell the difference.
i woke up and the dog was eating spaghetti off my chest.
they had to hand cuff you because you wouldn't stop trying to unzip the paramedic's pants...this is why i love you
If you come home soon there's a stripper in the shower. Don't be alarmed
I can dream in two languages, but it's still about ripping a bong.
You know you're hung-over when you're smoking and have the strong urge to eat the cigarette. No more buckets of gin. No. More. Ever.
reason #1 why i should never live alone: i haven't put pants on since she left 26 hours ago. and ive made spaghetti 3 times.
Today I had sex and flossed at the same time. My relationship goals have been exceeded.
We were drunk waiting for tacos and I gave him a handy in the back of the Uber while giving the driver relationship advice. I think I'm handling the whole grad school thing alright.
But he's super into Jesus and I'm the devil. So we weren't meant to be
He once bought a dildo and put fifty dollars and a happy anniversary note in the battery compartment I gotta lock him down while hes available
DETAILS
long story
just tell me the parts i wanna hear
weed, brooklyn, rough sex.
Im about to get an ultrasound of my balls. I hate waiting. Its the worst.
they just got in argument over who had more of your dick pics. quit sending shit to my sisters fucker
Randomize
