I thought if I stared at him long enough he'd walk me to my car. but he didn't. he dddidn't. i rreally thought i had those powers.
She wrote me a poem titled "Penis Flower" and it wasnt a joke
Think of this as an opportunity. Like Jesus just opened up his closet, and inside is an endless supply of huge, beautiful cock.
She called him at 5 AM so that he'd be ready for her birthday breakfast and drinks at 6. This is why people don't need to wait until their 21st to have their first drink.
the tv said "its small, its comfortable..." and i started laughing... safe to say he lost any dignity he had left...
You were crying because you hate wine coolers but you really wanted to prove you could finish it
Wearing a french maid costume for Halloween sure did help me meet girls
Dude, they all thought you were gay.
If anyone wants to ring in the new year with gluttony and yoga pants, let me know. As soon as it becomes a socially acceptable hour to drink margaritas, I'm gonna go down on a chimichanga.
He showed me a picture of his baby hamsters and I called them "Mammal McNuggets"
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
Sean slept in the bushes beside my house again. Any reason he kept screaming/slurring 'it was all a bunch of goddamn lies' through out the night?
He tried to introduce me to one of his friends that kept looking at me and I said "OH NO! I can't do this shit anymore!!" It was like I had a vision of what drunk me would've done in about 20 minutes.
The landlord wasn't even off the porch yet and she was packing a bowl, I can't imagine a better best friend
It's amazing the amount I can accomplish with a glass of wine in my hand.
He sent me a flaccid dick pic from the bathroom at the bar and he said I'm sorry it's not all hard and good looking. Props to him - I did ask for a pic.
Randomize
