getting your period on valentines day is like an extra little fuck you, now you REALLY have no chance of sex tonight.
not sure what to think.... picked her up and her dad says "if you take her home, you'll regret it"
you should have seen his reaction to my boobs, it was like he just met god
I woke up with the new contact "Britney Both Nipples Pierced"... how do you think the night went?
At what point in my life was I not hugged enough to be on my fourth walk of shame in half as many weeks?
It's gotten to the point that the dirty talk in my head when I touch myself has your accent
it was like a congratulatory penis slap
why is there a broken handcuff locked to the ceiling fan
You were greeting everyone with " Hi I'm Jess show me your dick" whether they were dudes or not.
So I got drunk last night and attempted to shave a landing strip on my vag. I now have a 8 lane highway on my crotch now. Just looks like a random ass square.
That was the night I passed out and someone threw chicken at me. SORRY I wasn't available to cockblock you from that Hispanic dude.
He took my necklace off while we were 69ing. His tongue never stopped moving either. Take that, guys who can't figure out how bras work.
I bet your mom's never met a girl who's thrown up at the presidential inauguration before though.
He stopped me mid-blow job to say that his new year's resolution was to stop hooking up. MID FUCKING BLOW JOB.
Someone should walk up to them and say, "We're sorry, you're too hot to be out here with the other humans."
Randomize
