Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
it hurts more in the daytime
After we finished he asked if I knew if it was a boy or girl. Diet. Starts. Now.
Any parent would be proud to have a daughter that's a blowjob fairy
will emailing you the 64 kama sutra positions I want to try during the 3 days your here turn you on or terrify you?
someone just laughed at me while i'm laying on the floor waiting for the bus. like they've never been hungover.
Do you relize what downtown will be like this week? Like open season. But instead of deer its hot baseball players from all over the country that we'll never have to see again. I swear the college world series is a gift from god.
I AM SUCH A BETTER PERSON ON DRUGS
I don't think everyone found it as funny as I did... Nothing says "Party's Over" like the sound of a pump action shotgun.
Umm, ya, half our class is sitting in starbucks passing around flasks. Yes, flasks. Plural. Going to join them, we're all giving oral presentations in 20. Go hard or go home.
Listen. I don't care if its "nontoxic" im not putting it in my fucking vagina.
Because he's your one night stand I shouldn't feel obligated to extend social media to him
My little brother came home while I was sitting there icing my vagina with a bag of peas. Asshole looks at me, high fives Ryan, then leaves.
finals do horrible things to a person. i haven't worn pants since friday
Yeah but now he has a wife. It’s going to be different this year
So what. We’ve banged every Thanksgiving since high school. She just has to understand it’s a holiday tradition
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