fuck the hobbit
what about unicorns?
fuck those pointy horses
This is how I know I have no life... Jon and Kate are my emotional roller coaster.
I was eating out this girl yesterday and when I finished, she asked me if I wanted to take any home with me. She was serious, dude!
What does that even mean?
Yeah, that's not really a good thing. Especially for a girl. You should get a tattoo on your stomach that says "Please wear a condom".
He kept telling me that something was trying to enter this dimension from another universe through his spine...
Kid sitting next to me smells like he slept in a dutch oven full of farts. Going to die.
It's isn't revenge sex until you've cum on her porcelain doll collection.
All I remember is waking up with 3 penises pointed at my face. I also remember enjoying that a lot. And then I threw up in their shower.
I don't want to resort to having sex with people that actually like me.
Hey, Would it be ok if me and your wife have a ladies only night and masturbated on FaceTime together?
How do I say "I want to suck your balls" in a classy but sexy way,
Perfect. I'll put on my party clothes and write emergency numbers on my arm
This is the difference between me and him; he buys you flowers, I buy you a dildo
I almost wrecked my car because of a guy in skinny jeans had a boner
What you have to understand is that our lives aren't a disappointment so much as they crashed and burned with lethal doses of radiation and dog shit.
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