I just realized that "Hey girl, when you gonna let me tap that?" is in iambic pentameter. I'm going to write a poem...
Dude someone is playing the piano in the other room while I shit and it's making it really peaceful
Look at it this way: if he'll have sex with a tomato, he'll have sex with you.
He looks like Ryan Reynolds from this angle
Since when is drunk an angle?
I think as far as last words to bitter ex girlfriends go, "enjoy that staph infection youre about to get in your uterus" is right up there with the best
Also, you peed on your hand last night. Id just like to point that out
I was behind him snuggling, I told him I was the big spoon and he told me I was too little it was more like he was wearing a backpack.
There comes a point, as I lay on the floor of the work disabled toilets contemplating catching 10 minutes sleep between chunders, that I wonder if its really worth it
Ew. He is mine. We all know that if he has a mid-life crisis and decides to sleep with a student, I AM THAT STUDENT. She's not friends with him on FB. Reassuring.
Literally every boy I've dated is now in a somewhat successful band. My vagina has obviously been blessed by the rock gods.
You seemed underwhelmed by my smooth, smooth ass
YAY! I just removed my own stitches, and I'm only bleeding from one spot! on a related note, do you think a dishwasher will sterilize forceps and trauma shears?
Well I finally got to say all the things I wanted to say. Including telling him he looks like a naked mole rat
Is it bad if I look at someone i dont know and just want to punch them in the face?
I just revenge puked in his shoes. This is gonna be a fun night :)
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