I just found 'pokemon orgy' in my search history
God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
Do you not remember you showing everyone in the bathroom your period stained underwear? I'd say you were pretty happy it came
Im covered in vodka and melted gummys. Fuck summer.
Throwing up so forcefully that toilet water hits you in the face is not what the Pilgrims and Indians had in mind for this holiday
Grandpa got a dui while riding a horse. This is what I need to live up to.
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
I asked him why the bed was wet and got.."well there are two options... and its not you."
I just used a beer funnel to put gas in my car
Side note: Hot guys are now getting with ugly chicks. Alert the media.
Sexiest use of a semi colon this week, congratulations.
This is seriously fucking awkward. My favorite sex scene just started and my dad's still here. He offered me Cheetos.
I went in for a high five.. He went in for a kiss.. Today is a good day
I gave you chlamydia, you gave me a concussion. Now we're even.
sorry for showing your butt to the bar
sorry for licking your cheek
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