wow wtf my bar tab was 80 dollars
IT WAS DOLLAR BEER NIGHT
we played lady & the tramp with a hash brown from McDonald's....im in love.
It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
some guy just walked by in the street and for 5 seconds yelled "IMM SOOOO HORNYYYYYY!!!!"
that trick or treat candy bucket that we used to collect beer money last night was very helpful when I vomited in it this morning
and then you looked me right in the eyes and said "i just really wanna pet some horses right now"
sold 4 oz of weed today pantsless. man i love college.
I may wear a condom to jerk-off tomorrow knowing that my hand has touched surfaces in this bar.
Also, if you all get arrested i'm coming to laugh at you because i don't have the money for bail.
These pissing matches have to stop. They led to last night's scotch through the nose shots. I'll never smell again.
Trying to coordinate a drug deal while taking a psych test is not easy.
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
It was one of those mornings when I wake up and feel like I have to say sorry to the whole world
If you wear a peguin suit you MUST send me a picture!!!
I don’t care that he’s a decade younger. He’s cute and I need a good penising
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