So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
I love how adderall is equivalent to money on a college campus. just got a ride home and paid the driver in adderall...yeeah buddy
dude. she was texting with her nipple. I love touch screen phones!
Eating doritas dunked in queso con salas. Salllas. Salska. Salsa. Got it. Shhiitt. Salsa con queso. That's better. I'm hot pink socks.
I like to melt taper candles in my wine bottles the next day, it makes my drinking trophies more classy, and makes me look like less of an alcoholic.
Just chased ups truck with a half wiped ass for you. You're making dinner tonight
I love how my cats smell like pot.
he said that he wanted to outsmoke the rain, I don't know what that means but I'm gonna go help him
I remember telling you it was cold out because the sun was going to explode and people were going to fight for corn. I feel I've mislead you.
Keep it up. It gets easier when you turn 21. Something happens in people's brains when they turn 21 and all of a sudden you have the power to drink constantly and abuse drugs and still graduate with good grades and your shit together. Im almost positive I read it in my freshman year bio textbook
Whiskey dick has taught us to be smart with our time.
So in my DUI class I had to write down 3 people I'd call if I needed to talk and why...they all want to meet you now...
Don't worry, I'm not gonna try making you Eskimo sisters with your mom
On a scale of 1 to hungover I’m definitely throwing up at the office today.
I woke up under the kitchen table. Andy is cursing out Joe Exotic's name in between heaves in the bathroom. Jay is trying to sleep w/ a shirt tied over his eyes. Lena and Brad braved the sun to go get bloody mary supplies and food. I'd say the Tiger King drinking game was a success.
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