By the end of the second bowl I was making sound effects to every hand movement he made.
Sex tent. say it aloud its amazing. promise you we rnt stoned.
He smashed a plastic chair leg on a tree stump, threw himself into the side of our metal enclosure, stomped on the wreckage for a bit and then punched the fire.
No more fucking baseball tools. Walk-of-shamed home in only a pinstriped jersey and a Red Sox SnapBack.
it took us a while to figure out sex on a tire swing, buuuuuuuut MISSION ACCOMPLISHED
Great night. I'm in the middle of explaining to her how the stock market works and she just rips my pants off and starts blowing me. Nerdiest blowjob ever.
I let my daddy issue flag fly free last night.
This medicine is making me nuts. I just woke up and I thought I was in a glass case with Asians staring at me.
My mind's like "He's a sexist pig" but my uterus is like "YOU SHALL BEAR HIM STRONG CHILDREN"
I was in the bathroom and I heard a phone ding inside one of the stalls. I really wanted to say, nature is calling, but I was still in my work uniform
I have never paid for drugs and I'm sure not going to start today especially on a holiday
He took a picture of me to show his boss why he was late...Is that a compliment or not?
He's not very smart so he didn't know I was yelling at him with monologues from Scandal.
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
I think I was just motorboated by a 4-year old girl.
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