If I am going to pay someone to make me puke, it's going to be the bartender.
She took the bride and groom figures and the top layer of their cake and tried to walk out of the reception with it in her purse.
bad news.. campus security walked me home last night and when i tried to tell them where i lived they assured me they knew where our house was.
Also. I plan to spend time with you at boomers, high, teaching ourselves how to pee standing up.
Is it inception if it feels like another uterus is going to burst out of my current uterus?
Dude. There are selfies on my phone of me, wide-eyed, sucking my pillow. We did NOT split that bag 50/50.
With a butt like mine I'll never have to pay for Netflix again.
I stole a tiki torch last night and just returned it. Things have been better.
I just googled "creative ways to tell someone you'll give them a blow job". I'm losing my touch.
I feel like I spent all day wearing underpants made entirely of poison ivy and sandpaper
I'll have sex with you for tacos. I don't care, man.
My mom is coming to visit today & it's giving me anxiety. I feel like she can see through me & into the whore I've become.
He told me my car had really nice leather seats right before he jizzed all over them.
She got a boob job, dumped her husband, became a stripper, got a DUI in her Porsche and is now dating her lawyer
I’m making her my life coach if med school doesn’t work out
I’ve chosen to watch a Mercedes station wagon drive around the Austrian in the rain because it’s live sports. If that doesn’t explain 2020, I don’t know what does.
Randomize
