I need a slap back to reality. Or at least a slap back to homosexuality
Nothing commands respect in a meeting like Jack Daniels on the breath. You're fine.
worst experience of my life. her nipples were sick. kinda like a venn diagram
if she mentions anything about chili and my phone, just go with it
My costume is made up of 4 inch heels and a firefighter costume I'm borrowing from the dramatic play area of my Pre-K classroom. I told you I could still be slutty on a teacher's salary.
I'll probably just lay on my couch bra-less sipping wine out of a straw so I don't have to lift my head.
I told them the reason I passed out was because of "heat exhaustion." Not from showing up drunk. Good thing this is Arizona.
He raised his arm and dropped it in his sleep to smack himself awake. He knows his phone has an alarm clock right?
I just remember her dragging me inside in a panic saying we needed mentos and popcorn I have no fucking clue how we ended up asleep in her closet.
Please tell me you werent the one who replaced every beer bottle in my fridge with a picture of a baby kitten.
... and if i was..
Fuck. You.
You need to stop me from lighting my hand on fire next time we're working
I just compared his sexting to a plate of spaghetti. And he STILL wants to sleep with me.
You can't break up with me. I brought you to see Beyoncé.
Could you just like have a friend who feels bad for me and secretly always wanted to have sex with me
So stoned that I pressed the unlock button on my car keys to walk into my bedroom...
Randomize
