My balls are so social today.
Wait, we're on the hunt for addys and explosives. They're both in this house somewhere.
i always knew that i'd have sex in your room, i just assumed it would be with you
Bro, I just want to tell you that I'm glad you got fired. I'm going to fuck your replacement.
I came so hard that my back seriously popped like 5 times.
The second I saw you stumbling down the stairs in a princess crown, I knew I had a friend for life.
Chasing shots with sriracha-covered mini toast was, in retrospect, not the best idea.
We lost you in the mall, but to no surprise we found you waiting in line to sit on santas lap. You said you wanted to ask him for a pound of weed and a subway giftcard for xmas.
Check your mailbox. I left a "sorry I didn't have time to suck your dick today" consolation gift.
I have six new people in my phone that I don't remember adding. One of them is "Bourbon Yeah." Successful evening?
Do you feel better now that you've sent me a picture of your dick?
Yep.
Kinda. I got kicked outta the bar, and then incited a riot until the cops came and I bailed
I should never have to text my best friend asking if she eloped again last night.
There's a big ass bed, hella ecstasy, and I can guarantee you'll regret every second that you remember.
My ex's sister asked me to be her date to Thanksgiving. Should I go?
Threesome!
Randomize
