Looks like breakfast in bed is out the window. She can't get up because I "fucked her into paralysis." My stomach is not happy with my dick right now
All I've had today is a brownie and a shot of Jack, so you know. I'm doing ok.
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
I'm getting married
To pizza
Vodka Vensday. With a Russian accent... It counts.
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
He finger blasted me like an angel dude
Enjoy the penises
I never imagine I'd say this, but can I ask Jeff for the butt plugs back even though it was a gift and we broke up?
Potholders are an underrated garment. Especially naked.
She was here for a threesome... She doesn't have to put the new roll of toilet paper on the dispenser. She can leave the new roll wherever she wants!
Do you not realize that being Batman fulfills about 95% of my non-sexual fantasies?
We made out in front of everyone INCLUDING his girlfriend. And no one saw. THAT DRUNK!
Honestly, I am sitting in my room watching Ciara videos and thinking I am super jealous of how she rides it.
I am high. And my mom surpised me today. Now i am high and with my mom....bad idea
Randomize
