I hope you get the herp and dife. The emd.
I use a guy for sex and get three minutes out of him. go figure
If Jon and Kate can get divorced...how hard can it be for me?
Tonight has been like a good ass fucking high school movie
You were humming mission impossible as we ran from the cops
This is the high leading the old right now
Excuse me hold on, hooking up with someone who is verified on twitter is like being important.
Celebrating anything "Eve" is never a good choice! I feel like my soul's been put in a blender on the "destroy" setting- in other news: Happy 4th of July
At least I can pee in a cup like a champ at this point
The strip clubs here are like a safari of penis, and I'm gonna bag me a rhino.
You don't realize it's a small world until your ex girlfriend's dad unintentionally messages you on grindr..what.the.fuck.
Wearing a french maid costume for Halloween sure did help me meet girls
Dude, they all thought you were gay.
Yeah, I fucked him. and the worst part is his name was Jesus. And nobody said it in Spanish. Just Jesus. There is no way I can avoid burning when I walk into a church from now on.
I'm just bringing him "breakfast," and breakfast may lead to lunch and dinner, but that doesn't mean I want the mealplan.
I'm too hungover to Google him and try to save face.
Randomize
