Maybe I lied like you did about your herpes.
george bush was a better president for first pitches than barack obama. there. i said it.
I just saw a girl licking a cheeseburger wrapper. dont ever let me get that fat
Road trip to buy me a baby zebra..are you in or are you in?
It's his sex noise. "I'm gonna cu-THE LORD IS MY SHEPARD AND I SHALL NOT WANT"
Is it bad that I feel proud to be the first one to puke in the apartment? And I did it in style?
You straight up painted the counter with steak, tequila and beer. You owe me a knew toothbrush.
And then I cried about the Cubs for a half hour. If my dignity hadn't already been lost by that point in the night, it sure as hell was then.
All I'm sayin is that I don't want to raise anything. Or deal with anything. Or having anything come out of my vagina. I mean, I don't think that's asking too much.
I just heard your voicemail. Glad you like my dick and think I'm cool
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
At least I know that however bad my life gets and how low I can feel I'll never feel shitting in a red robin parking lot low
Also, I don't know if it's the drugs I'm on or not, but I truly believe I was hypnotized last night listening to an audio book.
Being on probation is a nice change of pace. It's refreshing to wake up and know what I did last night.
the bartender goes "wow its so good to see you sober" and gives me a hug
When I planned out my evening, "co-author lesbian vampire erotica" was not anywhere on my list of expected activities.
Me neither, but hey, this is where we've ended up. Let's embrace the moment.
Randomize
