Let's perk you up. I have a good PG joke and a picture of my penis while urinating. You pick.
he tried to make a toast, but hit the moving ceiling fan with his beer instead
My night sucks. It's really hard to masturbate with a broken finger.
He skyped me to learn how to roll a joint and for us to masturbate together. And you said a long distance relationship wouldn't work.
2 things. 1. I just gave her a 6 hour long marathon fucking for America. 2. Thought of a new invention halfway through, and it's flawless.
Just used the leftover candycorn for candycorn vodka. Our house is trying to continue the Halloween spirit for as long as possible.
I cant be sure, but i think ive been drunk in this church before.
My neighbor Chris is here. I am warning you, he is wearing a kilt I just saw his balls. Be incredibly careful that you don't see what I did.
Way too stoned bro. Was laying down on my back and thought for a good 30 mins what it would be like to be a turtle stuck on its shell
And I wasn't CONVICTED of a felony, I just committed one
No way in hell. Unless I was drunk Tindering again....my swiping finger gets drunk too I guess
I'm no doctor but I don't think balls are supposed to look like that.
If there's a nuclear war you can come over. I'll feed you soup and you can rig up car batteries to power the coffee pot and toaster. We can grow tomatoes and chickens.
In the last 3 weeks my drunken adventures have caused me to lose 2 credit cards, one debit card, a bracelet, two purses, and my $500 phone... Maybe i should quit drinking.
Her hand jobs are magic. They smell like vanilla and awesomeness. She made me forget how to walk
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