I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
I just remember getting him back by licking the window on his truck.
So the dentist told me I couldn't suck on anything. She emphasized ANYthing.
My complete lack of self respect has really improved my blow job technique
I'm making a contract of things you're not allowed to put in my ass
I don't know what I should tell you tell you. I don't want to encourage you to dye my dog.
We sat in his closet and drank four loko out of my camelbak for an hour in the dark. You tell me how my night went.
WRONG DAY TO COME TO CLASS STONED!! WRONG DAY TO COME TO CLASS STONED!! WE'RE WATCHING BIRTHING VIDEOS!!!!
I needed a test subject that didn't know any of my friends so that if i screwed up no one would really know or spread rumours about how it was the worst bj ever
Last night you sang a duet with a gay man posing as a straight man posing as nicole kidman; your life lacks neither color nor texture:)
if memory serves, the guy you were hooking up with said he was a slutty skittle.
You kept insisting you found queso that's better than oral sex
I think you're literally the first guy to ever pick up a chick from pinterest.
You'll love it there. Trust me. Cheap tequila, pretentious beer, tall white guys who will treat you badly. Its got everything you like.
whatcha doing?
lying in bed pretending to be a slug
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