I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
and i forgot to tell you that my armpit hair is now completely grown back. man i love winter.
Getting high on the stoop of a brownstone in the middle oh harlem. Doesn't get much more hey arnold than this.
I'm buying eyelash glue, salt, and limes. We know how tonight is ending.
He probably has his cowboy hat on, that's his house hat.
Do you know how disconcerting it is to hear the sound a dog makes while it drinks water and find out that it's someone eating you out?
Two words that describe last night: naked and backflips.
They usually take it with their boobs. It's like a horizontal motorboat
spending my first valentines day single in 3 years blazed and eating heart shaped brownies i bought myself. WHO NEEDS A MAN.
Are you wearing clothes?
Fuck no, who do you think I am
there's an entire drinking game devoted to nobody liking her face
Any chance the bar is open now? Also who's wedding is this?
Yeah he drove 30 minutes at 3 AM to come fuck me in my neighbors treehouse
The magician guy on probation is here at the bar. I'm gonna get him to show me a trick
It’s a good thing I’m the only one in the office today. My boy toy stopped by and now there is jiz all over my desk and couch
Randomize
