nothing says platonic group sex like a campfire and smores
Never eat 3 McGriddles and drink a carton of milk. It's like you're successfully killing self but you're alive.
closing bar tabs have helped me with simple math in college.
The mystery has been solved. Seagulls have sex doggy-style.
he said i looked like a lion with slutty lingerie on .
He introduced himself to me as "the gayest gay who ever gayed." I like him already.
Also, at 1:30 I emailed myself saying, "are you there Margaret? It's me, god"
I think for all the guys in my phone, I'm going to change their pictures to pics of their dicks. It's easier to identify them that way.
nothing like a walk of shame in front of a cnn news crew to start the morning off right
I will blow you tomorrow if you bring me food tonight. Like a payment plan
I just started talking about my sextoy because I wanted things to be normal again.
DONT YOU DARE DIE YET THERE IS SO MUCH SEX TO BE HAD
I need to stop getting drunk and telling people it isn't "about them."
my roommate would be appalled if she knew how many times i've peed in the kitchen sink
I think my biggest regret in life is not banging you in the science museum
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