he is naked. in. my. bed. happiest day. of my. LIFE.
The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
i'm saving my butt for my wedding night
Brutally Honest is my real middle name, Princess just sounds better.
weed salsa. i deserve a nobel prize
sticking your hands in the toilet to wash your face is not acceptable. ever. i don't care how drunk you are.
He fell off the roof... he clearly has not been preparing for summer.
He just got dropped off drinking a flask, sitting on the handlebars of a chinese delivery man's bike
Tonight's gonna be epic. Did he bring my noodles?
I was just hoping for a dick worthy of his established age.
I told him to pick up the beer can he threw in front of the police station. So he gets out chugs whatever's left and throws it back and says ok let's go.
I think you should just bang him and get it out of your system.
That's what you say about everyone.
LESSON OF THE DAY: Saying Everclear gets you out of explaining anything.
Don't judge me 👊🏼 his dick just whispers my name
Sex while Star Warsing is the best
I don't want to hook up with him sober. That's pretty much like saying I love you.
Randomize
