im a genious. moved my bed and mirror so i can watch the game while Fucking
someone, somewhere in austin has to have a muppet
woke up in a freezing tub of water at 6 am again. probably should stop the drunk baths
She's like a coupon for free blow jobs. No purchase necessary.
Your drunken mistake is coming over to see if she wants to buy any of our furniture. I know youre desperate, but try not to fuck her, without a condom, for a fourth time, while shes there.
Somebody was walking their dog with their car. seriously
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
the homeless guy was waiting for me this morning. this is the closest to a boyfriend ive had in years.
We were dancing and she was clawing my stomach like a fat kid getting to a half broken pinata.
She really is something else.
Words cannot describe what though. The best way to describe her is to say it like watching a bear and a whale have sex. You don't know why it's happening or how. But it's rather funny and you can't look away.
I plan on showing these boobs to so many people that by the end of it ill just have a shirt of beads.
My plan for the weekend: 1) Get shit faced in Vegas. 2) Not die
I just swiped right for a guy on Tinder solely because it looked like he was holding Zoboomafoo
I'm not sure what happened last night but my dog has a red cup taped to his back with a little beer and a ping pong ball in it..
We invented a new game.
Holy shit dude........stairs
Randomize
