Omg. If Ina Garten Makes roast chicken one more time im going to strangle her with her white button down
My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
She always manages to outslut me. I can't keep up
Sorry I didn't pick up for your booty call. I usually am asleep at 4:00 on Thursdays. Like a normal person.
He had me saved in his phone as "Dick Socket". Lets see if I ever fuck him in a bathroom again.
I'm 25 and she is 19. She wants to practice blowjobs on me because of my stamina. Not only does the GI bill pay for me to go to school I am teaching a freshman blowjob course. I love Texas.
cocks speak louder than words, as they say
Nobody says that.
And really all I wanted was to be like "hey can I borrow your dick for a few hours this weekend?"
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
Strip mythology. Everyone wins. Most of all me.
Mainly I just wanna pet bunnies. And purple chicks. Well any color chicks if I close my eyes. But purple if I open them.
We're not piercing ourselves today.
Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"
It's getting harder and harder to fake orgasms as I get older.
You passed out in my backseat like a legitimate infant. A really drunk, really horny infant
Randomize
